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We’ve all slagged him off. We’ve all questioned whether he’s the man for the job. We’ve howled in frustration at his team selections and his tactics. But, having now taken them to a World Cup semi final and two Euros finals – and their first final on foreign soil – there’s a very good argument for declaring Gareth Southgate the greatest England men’s coach of all time.
I wasn’t hugely confident going into Wednesday’s game v the Netherlands. I’m not sure anyone was. Maybe it wouldn’t be the worst thing if it went to penalties? But, while there was a little shithousery involved, England did not shithouse their way into the final. Make no mistake about it, the better team won.
We’ve only really started playing in this tournament after conceding, so it was a tactical masterstroke by Southgate to tell Rice to give the ball away really early on for Simons to put the Netherlands ahead. It was a great strike, but a keeper with normal size arms probably would have saved it. It gave England the required kick up the arse, and Kane registered a shot on target within the first 15 minutes for once, with a half decent long range shot.
We equalised in what might have been the funniest way possible. It was never a penalty, it was two players both going for the ball, both with their foot high, and Kane managed to get his shot away but put it over the bar.
There had been some controversy about the choice of referee for this game, with his earlier involvement in a match fixing scandal and Jude Bellingham having been fined €40k for his comments about him while playing for Borussia Dortmund in 2021. Who knows whether that was in the back of his mind when he was called over by VAR to review the incident on the screen. I sincerely hope that Koeman felt the same when Kane levelled from the spot as we all did when he scored for the Netherlands in that World Cup qualifier in 1994 after assaulting David Platt. He accused VAR of ‘breaking football’ after the game. GOOD. I hope you choke on the injustice of it, Ron. Our revenge will be the laughter of Graham Taylor’s children.
From there, England actually looked really aggressive and positive after scoring for once. It turns out that Phil Foden has a habit of being on fire when you let him play in the middle of the park, and he had easily his best half of the tournament. He was incredibly unlucky not to score after jinking his way through the six-yard box when his shot was stopped on the line, and he nearly replicated Yamal’s wonder goal when his brilliant curling shot from 25 yards hit the post half an hour in. Despite being outnumbered, all you could hear was the England fans. We didn’t want the half time whistle to come.
For once (that phrase again), there were changes at half time. Shaw coming on for Trippier – excellent news. The Dutch Matt Smith, Wout Weghorst coming on for the Netherlands – not such excellent news. The momentum didn’t carry through from the first half, and when Saka found himself crossing to no-one in the penalty area, I once again found myself yelling “FOR FUCK’S SAKE GET TONEY ON!”.
It was more cagey from both sides but it felt like the Netherlands were gradually getting on top, switching it well and causing us problems, and England yet again sitting too deep, but it looked like we’d taken the lead on 79 minutes with Saka heading in a great cross from Walker, but, alas, Walker was clearly offside. With 10 minutes left, Southgate took an uncharacteristic gamble, bringing off the clearly knackered Kane and Foden (who hadn’t quite managed to replicate his first half performance) for Watkins and Palmer. It turns out he IS a football genius.
The Netherlands continued to look dangerous on the break, especially down the left, and when Watkins so narrowly missed getting on the end of Shaw’s cross in the 89th minute, I despaired, I thought the chance to win it had gone. And then, in the final minute, Watkins made a fantastic run onto Palmer’s brilliant needle-threading pass, took the ball with his back to goal, spun round, and, in what must have been the last second of normal time, buried the fucker in the net to put England’s men into their first ever overseas final. What. A. Fucking. Moment.
We’ve all been screaming about how Southgate is shit, and what the fuck is he doing starting Kane when he’s been immobile and crap, and what the fuck is he doing bringing Kane off when we need a goal and it might go to penalties, and why isn’t he playing Alexander-Arnold, and what the fuck is he doing playing Alexander-Arnold there, and why’s he sticking with Foden when he’s not playing anything like how he plays for City, and why the fuck is he bringing Foden off when he’s finally playing well in the middle, and where the shitting fuck is Anthony Gordon, and for fuck’s sake this is like watching a David Unsworth team, and we’ve all been wrong. Beautifully, wonderfully wrong. Embrace it. Enjoy it.
Despite everything, the boys have the chance to emulate the Lionesses on Sunday. Spain have clearly been the best, most creative team at the Euros, and a victory for them will be a victory for football. But a victory for England will be fucking hilarious and glorious. And there’ll probably be videos of Jordan Pickford celebrating bollocko in a fountain. Come on lads. Fuck your cat, Claire, it's coming home. KTMFF.
Written by Arlene Finnigan
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